overwhelmed. Be forewarned, this is a rant.

In the interest of full disclosure, i have a confession to make.
The last few weeks i have been feeling completely overwhelmed. Like a rug has been pulled from underneath my feet. The problem is that i am not entirely sure what rug i am talking about...

I am unbelievably fortunate to study where i study - i even feel guilty for expressing regret about this place. Seriously, i live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, i am surrounded daily by obscenely intelligent people - even mentored by some of them. I have been told repeatedly that this place opens doors, all you need is that magical 2:1.

Heck, i couldn't tell you how many times i have been the one to repeat this to myself. Every time i thought i couldn't do it; that i didn't have that potential, that they must have been wrong to offer me this opportunity. I've reminded myself of it every time i wanted to call someone to pick me up and give up on it all. Knee deep in Plato, Augustine and essay deadlines, i have used the words as a mantra 'all you need is the 2:1 - it will be worth it!'.

And yet, for the first time i really am doubting this. These three years have been unbelievably hard. I have met wonderful people, done some truly amazing things and experienced things i wouldn't have even imagined. Yet there is no getting away from the misery of Cambridge life - the relentless cycle. And what will come out of it? A degree in theology. A subject i love but a pretty useless subject when it comes to making an impact on the world. Yes, this degree will be from Cambridge. But in reality, i will be living in a place where that makes no difference at all. I do not want to be a teacher or a priest. My options are limited in Hastings, there's no two ways about it.

My feelings aren't helped my own lack of direction. I know i am here for a reason, i sure as hell wouldn't have got in if i wasn't. But i am desperate to know what the next step is..
If i need to retrain, i wanna know for sure that its what i am called to do. I don't want to end up where i am now: a few months down the line from graduation, feeling like i've got myself nowhere.

So i guess i questioning whether it truly will be worth it. Or have these years been the hardest, most experience waste of time?

I've got to find some perspective on this and realise that this isn't about my plans.

Yours,